The h0le Truth

Tasks

2007-02-09T22:28:00.000Z

I might customise my blog with the new tools I've discovered since my sharp push into the new blogging ways. This new task may keep me busy for a while......

Valentines

2007-02-09T21:38:00.000Z

I'm thinking of Valentines ideas for the rapidly approaching 14th. M keeps all of the Valentine gifts I give him, I'll take some pictures to show you tomorrow :
Cards ( I keep my cards too), chocolate, he has unopened chocolate still in their little red wrappings from a long time ago( I eat my chocs). I sent him a single rolo once (it's the thought that counts) with a little note saying 'my last one' . He still has the heart shaped box and the note, but the rolo has mysteriously disappeared.

I have to think of something good....

Womens Wrestling

2007-02-05T21:27:00.000Z

Not usually a fan of Ultimate Surrender much, apart from the clip which is below this pic. I love how she collapses at the end of it.

click here for movie clip

Where I've been Pt3 (The First Flicker)

2007-02-04T14:49:00.000Z

M and I havent been getting on so well lately so there hasnt really been much to post on here sex wise, or any other wise. If he's miserable (and he has been) then it has a knock on effect with me and with Son and we all end up depressed.

He entered his cave about 3 months ago and has stayed there, unable to communicate. It's horrible seeing someone you love like this and being unable to do anything to help. I don't think I've ever been as frustrated with anyone in my entire life.

He re-entered the world this weekend. After no communication (apart from the odd grunt)for months, he has suddenly decided to act like a complete tyrant. Everything has to be done his way and it must all be bordering on perfect. I've been really missing rules and order in my life so I welcome this.

I straddled him on the sofa this morning, planting little kisses at the side of neck and moving various parts of my face to his lips for him to peck (eyelid kisses are the best). He pushed me backwards onto the floor after he'd had enough and pushed me away by pressing his foot against my cunt, rubbing me with it. I pressed back. Things didnt go any further because Son was in the garden playing but I feel a breakthrough has been made.

If I'm not being a bit premature in saying this, it's nice to have him back :)

I might

2007-02-03T19:28:00.000Z

I was tagged by Beau a long time ago. 10 weird things about me.

1. I say "I might" a lot.
2. I have a beauty spot on my perineum.
3. I make huge decisions on the spur of the moment but I only do this once every three years.
4. I've never met three of my best friends in person.
5. My attention is sporadic.
6. My willpower is weak.
7. I secretly, and not so secretly want the No.4 people to fuck me.
8. I suspect these answers are not so weird.
9. I cant think of anything else to put here
10. There are only 7 not so weird things about me.

Towed

2007-02-02T18:13:00.000Z

There are far better things to tow than caravans.

click here for the movie clips of it.

Ps. I've started to moderate comments because I seem have attracted a few advertising spammers. If you leave any comments they may take a day or two to show up.

Where I've been pt2 (The Death of a Rabbit)

2007-02-01T21:20:00.000Z

It lived for around 2 years

It was abused

It didn't really stand a chance

Where I've been pt1

2007-01-30T22:59:00.000Z

In December I went through the French portal in Google.

I went on a French Oddysey, a French advenchure. I spent all of my internet time looking at french porn.

I've also been hunting down french men on the quiet, in the personals.......only window shopping

Sodomanies
BrownHoleFucker-dom ch saloppes

M thought I had taken to mixing rap at one point. I spent a few evenings playing french men shouting,encouraging,humiliating,and generally sounding as sexy as hell, on a loop in my media player.

A french man shouting at me, I feel the need for this.

Belated Greetings

2007-01-30T18:42:00.000Z

Hope you all had a Happy christmas

And have a sparkling New Year...

www.el-shop.com
www.bondagetemple.com

Lazy slut

2007-01-27T09:58:00.000Z

Apologies to everyone whos visited lately looking for new posts, I really havent been in the mood to post anything.

Also, apologies to everyone who has mailed me without getting a reply, I guess when I don't want to write, I really don't want to write, in any form.

you can however expect to see these pages bulging with filth in the near future, I have some delicious porn to share.

now to catch up on everyone elses blogs...........

Christmas shopping

2006-12-04T18:11:00.000Z

"Just for fun, a branding iron from the Danger Men Cooking range.

You can use the Danger Men Cooking 3-sided branding iron as a unique and clever way to impress your guests with your grilling expertise. Just before serving, take the heated branding iron and with a slow rocking motion, place on the meat….

R for rare - M for medium - W for well-done…...simple and impressive!

Measures approximately 40 cm"

I really wasnt looking for this and I have no intention of showing M.

"Place on the meat" *shudders*

Sarcasm of the day

2006-11-07T23:43:00.000Z

Me - Son has torn a great big hole in the crotch of his school trousers
M - Oh
Me - You don't need to ever worry about tearing the front of your trousers

I got my bum smacked for this, the closest I've been to any capital ( edit, erm I mean corporal) punishment for a while...

Reminder to myself* Be sarcastic more often

Bottles n h0les

2006-11-01T21:32:00.000Z

We have bought a house and we're on the move again!.

It has a cellar! the thing we have both wanted for ages.

I thought we both wanted one for the same reason.....

M - I'm going to rack it out with wine (goes on for a bit about the profit making abilities of wine)

I had ideas of a different kind of rack but still, I suppose it can be a 'dual' purpose room.....

Busy busy busy.

2006-10-30T22:48:00.000Z

Happy Halloween

Fellatio Factory

2006-09-14T18:51:00.000+01:00

From here

Now this is what you call a fucking machine!

2006-09-11T00:04:00.000+01:00

The feeling of the wind on your erm latex

Couldnt find a bigger picture sorry but click here and you can watch the glory that is a motorised fucking machine.

More forced lactation

2006-09-10T12:16:00.000+01:00

Milk in your coffee Sir? (Click here for video clip)

Milk on your cereal Sir?

forced milking (click here for video clip) yum yum

Clips from:
www.bigtitshot.com
http://www.kontraband.com
http://www.timekiller.com

First Refusal

2006-09-10T09:06:00.000+01:00

I never refuse sex...ever
Last weekend in bed his hand guided mine to his dick
Me - I don't wanna
He didnt stop
Me - I don't wanna, I'm tired
M - Do it
Me - No, I'm tired
In the end I stopped fighting and let my hand gently rub on his cock
I fell asleep this way
I fell into dream land

The dream started with him standing on my back
Standing on my naked back like I was a human surfboard
One foot just above my bottom, the other in between my shoulder blades
He was naked,wanking
M - You will never refuse me again
He pulled my hair lifting my head backwards and sprayed come all over my face

Panic attacks

2006-08-18T09:58:00.000+01:00

I've been having panic attacks
I thought I was having a heart attack at first, uncontrollable shakes got me. I had to pace the room to try to control it.

Me - I can't control my body.

M was with me, he got up and put his arms around me in a bear hug, really tight.
I could feel the thud of my heart, beating really fast against his chest.

Me - Is that my heart?
M - Yes
Me - Oh god

I thought I was dying
I didnt know what to do with myself
He sat me down next him, I curled my legs around his lap to try to control the shakes and he talked me down.
I asked him to hypnotise me
And he did
It helped

He would often ask if I wanted to be hypnotised
I would always say he couldnt hypnotise me even if he tried
But I wanted it this time
His psychology normally gets right on my nerves

If I lose something, as I often do, he will say:
M - If you knew where it was, where would it be?
I could strangle him when he says this.....
Me - If I knew where it was, it wouldnt be fucking lost would it........

This is not a death blog

2006-08-16T17:13:00.000+01:00

Well I'm back.

My dad is doing ok, he still needs 24/7 care but my siblings and I are coping with it between us. The old guy still has a lot of fight in him and it wouldnt suprise me if he lasts a good while longer. You can't live on a knife edge forever so things are getting back to normalish.....

I won't be writing as much as before but I'll try to make a couple of posts a week at least. I'll keep you updated about my dad but I won't be turning this into a 'death' blog, depression is just not my thing.

It's cold

2006-08-12T10:28:00.000+01:00

My Papa is dying from a chronic illness
A slow death
I always thought it was better to die quickly
Better for whom?

My pops is going to have the best death ever
A peaceful one
With time to say all the things that should be said but never are

It's cold but there's still some summer left....

Another list, with 9 things in it

2006-06-24T15:53:00.000+01:00

9 ~~Excuses~~Reasons for not blogging:

1. The English are having an actual summer...it's hot, too hot to write

2. I can't be bothered

3. I havent got that much to say at the moment

5. I have had 1 month off work between jobs in which time I have developed an obsessional cleaning compulsion disorder.

6. I kept putting it off, for a day at a time. 22 times. It feels longer.

7. M has gone away to work during the week for a month or so, so I've been too busy smoking pot in the garden and wanking (in between the cleaning and see below).

8 Big Brother (shoot me)

9. I've been sleeping. Big Brother live is a great sleep inducer, especially when they show them sleeping.

LIST_SPAWN

I will be back soon......... or when:

1. I'm bored
2. I have something to say
3. It gets cold
4. I find a cure for the evil cleaning thing
5. BB finishes
6. I start my new job and get organized in my mind again
7. I can be bothered
8. My supply of pot runs out

The sub-tle approach

2006-06-02T18:31:00.000+01:00

The subtle approach started with some careful preparations;
A two hour soak in the bath to get the h0les thoroughly clean
Squirting copious amount of luke-warm water up my bottom
A very close shave, making sure not to miss any spots
An all over spray on tan
A slash of ravish me red lipstick
A black negligee
Careful perfuming
A buttplug in place for an easy ass fuck

I descended the stairs

M- Dinner is ready (he had ordered an Indian takeaway)
Me - I don't want any dinner, I want to be ass fucked for dinner
M - No sex tonight
Me - I just gave myself an enema and plugged myself for you
M - No, no sex

I sulked, I slipped out the buttplug in front of him and placed it on the kitchen windowsill.

I sat in his armchair as he ate at the dining table
I hitched the negligee up, and down, to expose my cunt and tits
I spread my legs wide and draped them over the arms of the chair
I played with my cunt lips, pulling on them, stretching them

He noticed after a while
Came and sat on the footstool directly in front of me

M - Spread it open

I brazenly opened my cunt up, stretching the lips to the maximum

M - Do you think you can take my fist in there?
Me - I don't know

He plunged 3 fingers straight in making me sit bolt upright for a moment
Then 4, up past the knuckles, no mercy involved, he twisted his hand, punched it in and out of me.

I dried up, my pussy was sore,painful,my whole body twisted as his hand twisted inside me, he didnt stop.
I didnt want him to stop

M - You have 1 minute to come

Me - Ohh

I rubbed my clit furiously
Me - Please plug me

He got the plug from the kitchen sill and filled my ass with it
He spanked on top of it sending tremors of pain shooting up my bottom

M - 1 minute

Me - Please fuck me with it

He started to fuck it in and out of me, all the way in and then all the way out, hard fucking.

Me - Yes, yes like that, fuck me like that

My dried up pussy exploded with an orgasm

Pretty pussies

2006-05-31T22:34:00.000+01:00

And a couple of bums

Unseducable

2006-05-30T01:07:00.000+01:00

Ok, back to the nitty gritty.

I stayed up masturbating for 8 hours the other night because I've had sex 4 times in the last 3 months.

The selling and the piercing are still on my mind, but I am now living the life of a frigid suburban houswife so the reality seems a little far away at the moment.

I have planted beans and tomatoes

I sometimes worry about housework

I hoovered some slippers the other day

It's very nice........

We fucked last night bringing the total to 5 in 3 months.

At 2 am he said he was going to bed

M - Are you coming to bed?
Me - No, but you can fuck me before you go if you want.
(I didnt want slow on my side spoony bed sex, I wanted fast ;over the sofa, on the floor, on the kitchen counter, on the stairs sex)
M - Not when you put it like that.

How the fuck should I put it?
Should I just say nothing for months on end?
I can't seduce him, it drives me insane

Anyway the sex was good, I went to bed at 4am and put my tongue to work.
I can't seduce him, apart from when my lips are around his cock........

He is ill tonight and has retired to bed with man flu (The mans version of a headache) I groped his cock before he went.

M - Don't touch me
Me - You sound like a 15 year old girl.

Two nights in a row was a bit much to expect........

Bottle opener

2006-05-28T18:36:00.000+01:00

I stayed up the whole of last night watching porn clips.

I went to bed at 8.15 this morning after a marathon masturbating session, lasting around 8 hours.

The toys were all locked away so I had to use this bottle opener ,which got sucked very nicely into my cunt. I had to really pull to get the thing out. Reminds me of a rosebud a little. I didnt brave it in my ass though , it's got pointy sticky outy sharp bits all over it.

Where I spent last night

Yes, another list....

2006-05-25T14:26:00.000+01:00

5 things you don't know about M.

1. Whenever I ever ask him what he is doing he almost always says that he is either 'doing stuff' or 'sorting stuff out'. I'm never quite sure what this 'stuff' is.

2.He will physically fight me for Heat magazine ,the Sunday Times Style mag and the TV remote control.

3.He pulls a funny pouty face when he looks at himself in the mirror

4.He is listening to Radio 2 and 4 at the moment, and Al Murray (the pub landlord)

5. He likes me to give him pedicures. I sometimes agree to this almost hard limit, depending on my mood and the freshness of his ~~putrid~~ feet

I could sooo go on with this list.....

List generating

2006-05-22T16:26:00.000+01:00

The last list has generated another.

Why I don't receive oral sex:

1. I don't like it...........really

2. No-one knows how to do it (no-0ne that I have met anyway, and I've met some pretty enthusiastic ones) I have never been licked well.

3. It seems quite submissive on the part of the man. I feel it's the same for dommes giving head too, there is nothing dominant about licking someone's willie.

4. I need more pressure on my clit than a tongue can give .

5 things you don't know about me

2006-05-21T14:37:00.000+01:00

1. I have double jointed legs and can twist my feet so far that they point behind me.

2. I sometimes spend whole days in the characters of:

Upt north/ down south lassie
Italian mama
Irish/Scottish/Russian Lass
Olden day schoolmistress (great for administering old fashioned punishments to Son)
Baby girl (great for getting what I want.....please daddy)

3. Music I'm listening to at the moment:

KT Tunstall - Big Black Horse and the Cherry Tree
Juanes - La Camisa Negra

4. I like to watch myself masturbating and can often be found legs spread in front of the mirror.

5. I never recieve head....ever.

The booby trap

2006-05-20T23:51:00.000+01:00

Son made this today and gave it the name of the booby trap. He found a bra out of the washing basket and hooked the straps over different doors whilst I was in the kitchen. The point was to lock me in of course.

Did it work? ...not really, but he's still a genius.

The toychest

2006-05-18T09:04:00.000+01:00

Our toychest, packed full of lovely stuff. M almost broke his back getting the thing on top of the wardrobe.

Now I know that it has to kept away from Son, and it does a great job, but it's so safely put away that we havent opened it since it's been there. The chest is made of some kind of really heavy metal and added to that it has clasps and locks, not only is it out of Son's reach but it is also out of mine, and M's.

Sex of any kinky nature is going to take quite a bit of forward planning....

Twin Computers

2006-05-17T14:34:00.000+01:00

This is the new computer set-up at home (yes I'm aware how tragic it is). But at least I can now compute without Mein Herr on my back.

Mine is for surfing porn, writing my blog and any other crap that I fill my time with. Notably....playing Runescape ( a highly addictive game for erm children) and selling crap on E-Bay , both of which I am also addicted to.

M's is of course for making spreadsheets. It is not, under any circumstances to be used for any of my crap.

Settling in

2006-05-16T12:35:00.000+01:00

First off, I've had some really bad news recently (it's a secret) which is the reason why there havent been any posts here for so long.

Sorry to leave you in the dark but the details of the bad thing would identify me, as it's reached the national newspapers.

Just to set your minds at rest (I know how you all worry).
It's nothing to worry about, I'm not in any trouble or danger (and neither is Son or M) it's just upsetting news.

That said and done, to update you, Son has stopped calling us twats and he seems to be far more settled now.

M has taken to kicking me up the arse at every given opportunity, I'll be walking out of the door and 'boot' I get a big foot right up my bum, he finds this spectacularly amusing.

I, in return have taken to dead legging him with my knee....in a fucked up Karate stylee.

Fun all round:)
With no sex

Ps. Thanks for all your letters whilst I've been away, I will try to get back to you asap (famous last words).

The twats

2006-05-07T09:48:00.000+01:00

Ive started hand writing a journal now , hopefully I will get time to transfer the entries here. M seems to hate me writing, so I won't let him look in my journal. I write in it whilst peering over the top of it at him, or curl my arm around my writing like a bratty schoolkid.I'm hoping this will make him paranoid.

M- Are you writing about me?
Me - No
M - Yes you are
Me - No I'm not
M - Why are you starting at the back like an Arab?
Me - I'm just making notes in the back.

Of course im not really just making notes in the back, the journal is already half full and all of the writing is at the back. I know the front with never be filled with the well rehearsed essays that were meant. I just do things back to front....

The teething problems have gotten better and a little bit worse. Son has taken to calling us both 'twats'. something we are both really enjoying, there's nothing like a kid with a filthy mouth. Of course M is a bigger twat than me :) He is a big hairy twat according to Son, whereas I am just a plain and simple twat, who he hates.

I took him to one side yesterday and asked him if he knew what twat meant

Me - Do you know what twat means Son?
Son - No
Me - I really dont think it's a good idea to use words if you dont know what they mean,do you?
Son - Yes
Me - It means a womans private parts
Son - Oh

I thought this had worked as a whole 2 hours passed before he started calling us twats again.

Rabid

2006-05-01T21:12:00.000+01:00

M has started hiding the computer, he will go out and before going he makes the computer impossible for me to use, by changing the log on password and things. Bastard.

I guess I'm totally addicted to the computer as I have become rabid like when he's done this. Spiteful bastard.

He always says it's an accident

I can feel myself counting how times I have vacuumed and how more times than him I have washed the dishes.

Counting how many times we have had sex (as usual).
It's up to 4 now, we had sex the last two nights, lying on our sides.

Me - Why have we started having sex on our sides all of the time?
M - I dunno
Me - I don't want to have sex on our sides anymore

I dont want a lovey dovey slow spoony fuck.

My five minutes are up.......he has started to prowl.

Inhale

2006-04-27T21:39:00.000+01:00

Well I just smoked a joint, actually thats a bit of an overstatement, I actually smoked about 3 puffs of a joint, and got totally wasted.

I started thinking back to M and Son at the beginning of their relationship together. They didnt meet until ages after M and I had met. We would have secret trysts....meet in hotel car parks, train stations ect. I dont know why it was like that, neither of us had partners at that time but it did add to the experience.

After they had known each other for a while, M would come and stay over at the weekends sometimes. One such afternoon he thought he would teach Son to fight.

M - I'm going to teach Son to fight
Me - I really dont think thats such a good idea - interpreted - Son is already trained in the art of combat

(A few male friends have made this mistake.....fight once with Son and every time he sees you he will think its fight time for your entire visit. I tried to explain this to M.)

M - He should learn to defend himself
Me - You know best

I left the room to sounds of karate chops and flying kicks. A few minutes later I was called back into the room. I found M with blood coming out of his nose.

I gave him my best 'I told you so' look

Exhale

Pot smoking

2006-04-26T19:08:00.000+01:00

Ive been on a drugs ban since moving in with M, not that im like an addict or anything (thats what they all say isnt it?) I only smoked a bit of pot. In return for me giving up pot he said he would no longer drink whisky.

He has now decided that he can still drink whisky, just not in the house (this wasnt the fucking deal)he has beem popping to the ~~pub~~ shops a lot and if we had a dog I'm sure it would be very well exercised.

I'm buying some pot tomorrow, I'll only smoke it at the weekends though, so that's ok isnt it?

Cunt display

2006-04-25T21:01:00.000+01:00

Suction of the pussy is something I've been interested in for a while.

Engorged lips must be an absolute delight for him to fuck , not to mention the feelings of a swollen pussy and clit for her.

Its also a joy to look at, don't you agree?

http://dva.gbrit.com/~dougadams/pumping_and_suction.php

Courtesy of my mysterious friends

Teething problems

2006-04-24T22:43:00.000+01:00

I knew he was mad, he was doing the dishes.
Son had spent the night slamming doors which winds M up no end and to add injury to insult Son also decided to kick M a few times for good measure.

M - If he hits me again I'm going to spank him
Me - No you bloody arent
M - Yes I am, it's a simple matter of cause and effect
Me - ok...here's another case of cause and effect..... he hits you, you hit him, I stab you to death

The rest of the evening was spent with me running between the two of them, temper tantrums all round.

holes the appeaser

Delta of Venus

2006-04-23T14:16:00.000+01:00

I love this book

I've tried to read some Anais Nin before ( the spy in the house of love) I wasnt particularly keen, and didnt even finish the book, so Delta had been sitting on my desk for months, gathering dust.

I picked it up recently, lay in the bath and found I couldnt put it down until long after my bath had become cold.

It's a series of short stories written in the 1940's , Anais was paid a dollar a page for the work, while she struggled to make a living with her 'serious writing'. It sounds like she just churned it out to order, like it was worthless, while she pored over the other stuff. She let her imagination run wild and free, she let it run to the absolute darkest depths.

It's short, and maybe that's what works for it as erotic writing. Each story is but a few pages long.
I suppose reading filth is much the same as watching it.....you keep one finger on the fast forward button. You don't need to skip to the dirty bits in this, it's all rich detail and dirt.

It actually shocked me (this doesnt happen often) and maybe that's what I like

The taboo
The new
The fear

Each story is a small masterpiece, with twists and turns and lots of perversions. I love this twisted book.

"As she lay there a big dog appeared through the trees and came up to her. He began to sniff at her, with evident pleasure. Bijou screamed and struggled to raise herself. But the enormous dog had planted himself over her and was trying to insert his nose between her legs.

Then the Basque, a cruel expression in his eyes, made a signal to Elena's lover. Pierre understood. They held Bijou's arms and legs still and let the dog sniff his way to the place he wanted to smell. He began to lick the satin chemise with delight, in the very place a man would have liked to lick it.

The Basque unfastened her underwear and let the dog continue to lick her carefully and neatly. His tongue was rough, much rougher than a man's, and long and strong. He licked and licked with much vigor, and the three men were watching now.

Elena and Leila also felt as if they were being licked by the dog. They were restless. They all watched, wondering if Bijou was feeling any pleasure.

At first she was terrified and struggled violently. Then she grew weary of moving uselessly and hurting her wrists and ankles, held so strongly by the men. The dog was beautiful, with a big tousled head, a clean tongue.

The sun fell on Bijou's pubic hair, which looked like brocade. Her sex was glistening wet, but no one knew whether it was from the dog's tongue or her pleasure. When her resistance began to die down, the Basque got jealous, kicked off the dog and freed her."

You can read it online here

h0les in the dining table

2006-04-22T19:43:00.000+01:00

I wish.

www.jamespiatt.com

Series of short posts coming up as I am on crappy dial-up for a few days.

Back blogging

2006-04-20T12:22:00.000+01:00

Well the move went well, in as much as we are moved anyway. Downstairs is pristine and all finished but upstairs looks like a bomb has gone off, there are boxes everywhere .
although I've been away for a while there isnt really that much to tell you, especially where sex is concerned.

We have had sex twice in 13 days (unremarkable sex). And I have masturbated twice.
Yes, I'm counting again.

He has made some new purchases, a tongue clamp that has taken up residence on his bedside table but is redundant as of yet and a wooden spanking implement, he slept with this in his hand last night (to protect himself)

Ive been getting out of my punishments:

"My tits are sore"
"I have stomach ache"
"I'm tired"

The list is endless, and they are all true.

He told me to give him a blowjob first thing this morning, I said I didnt want to suck his cock after it had been marinating in farts all night.

I'm not in the mood, and that sentence quickly got him out of the mood too .

Ive been having really vivid dreams every night, the first night I sat up in bed arms flailing and had a fight with an old ghost.
I won

I understand that dream but if anyone can tell me what dreaming about polar bears with shoes made out of pastry means ,please let me know..........

Ive also been dreaming about eating raw meat, raw lamb and chicken. chicken carcasses with blood streaming from them.

Blushing

2006-04-06T08:19:00.000+01:00

I worry about blushing, I don't blush that often anymore (I used to have quite a blushing problem)But on occassions I feel that familiar heat creeping up on my cheeks, there's no way to stop it. No way to disguise it. The facade crumbles.

The last time it happened was at work;

I was sitting at my desk and 2 colleagues where standing close by chatting.

colleague 1 - I took the kids to the circus last night
colleague 2 - blah blah
colleague 1 - I want to be a ringmaster
colleague 2 - more blah

Colleague 1 then started prancing about pretending he had a whip in his hand, whilst making whip cracking noises. (colleague 1 is a ~~bit~~ lot of a cunt)

Colleague 1 - I want to feel that whip in my hand

He turned and looked at me as he said it, stared at me as he cracked his imaginary whip..

That's where the blush began and the facade crumbled.
Sometimes it feels like people can stare right into my soul.

-------------------------------------

I'm not going to have a phone line for the next few days (moving house tomorrow) so there wont be any new posts for a while.

In the meantime please enter the worlds of:

Die h0le-Wahrheit
&
La Vérité De h0le

My sub friend Jan, says my blog almost sounds like literature in french......The little fuckwit.

How to wash a slut

2006-04-05T14:29:00.000+01:00

Items needed:

1 Slut
1 Shower
1 Mop
1 Pair of rubber gloves
1 Bottle of cheap washing up liquid
1 Rubber duck (I'm sure this is essential)

Firstly, take 1 slut , place in shower and sprinkle liberally with water

Secondly, work up a lather by scrubbing slut with mop

Finally, a conditioning rinse of urine , straight from the source

Results

1 Freshly washed slut

Pictures begged from friends who shall remain anonymous (their wishes)

The dominant submissive

2006-04-04T18:23:00.000+01:00

Beau has called me a domme on a few occassions
Degrader says no, I'm a submissive
Roper's post here , who's the dom/me?

I can be dominant, I've tried it, I'll go as far as to say I'm pretty damn good at it. I'll tease poor submissives all day long and even enjoy it (somewhat). I'm probably perfection to some submissives. Except it's not perfection if I'm not being true to myself, is it?

I might gain pleasure from giving someone what they want, but it wouldnt give me any sexual pleasure.
Fantasies I have may involve me being dominant, fantasies that make me come even. But they are always orchestrated by someone else, someone else always has power over me.

It does matter what I need, but I don't think this makes me dominant, my needs arent that of a dominant.

I need to feel power over me
I need to feel weaker
I need to feel passive
I need to have my vanilla pride stripped from me
I need to be forced
I need to be wanted

Feeling vulnerable makes me come
Feeling powerless makes me come
Being dominated and degraded makes me come

This is how I know I'm submissive
At least sexually submissive

If you want me to have your dinner on the table at 6pm sharp every night , that's a different story......... you can chain me to the kitchen sink though, in literal terms.

Nappies and nasty cushions

2006-04-03T20:05:00.000+01:00

I love amateur porn

Trouble is the backgrounds very often put me off, in big way. I guess I'm a bit of a snob. Soft furnishings really do it for me!

Very sexy girl below but theres a fucking nappy bin, and I suspect even a nappy or two in the picture.....I can't bear it. I don't want to be distracted with thoughts of ...... dirty stinky nappies.

She may have a beautiful ass but that sofa is a crime

This sofa is a bigger crime

Now come on, who on earth would put those cushions with that throw?

Photo's courtesy of exgirlfriend pics

Another new post below........

Proof

2006-04-03T19:31:00.000+01:00

Wow, dominants are human too!

"h0les - a belated apology: I assume I was the focus of some, if not all, your ire. I meant no disrepect, and assumed, wrongly, that your self-assumed title of 'piece of meat' and such like allowed a certain lattitude within the confines of the (obviously very monochrome version) 'you' on display. I am sorry that I was wrong. The offer to buy you was sincere, and intended to affirm your belonging to M (only someone that close and that important could possibly sell you for so little - I have done this twice to two of my 'traineess' for less money, and they knew why... I didn't explain it properly to either you or M - again, obviously wrong. I am truly sorry for my involvement in your distress, and I hope you and M are soon on an even keel again. I hope we can continue to correspond. if not, have a fabulous future, in all your variety." DegraderUK

Back to the truth

2006-04-02T17:55:00.000+01:00

After he went to bed, I joined him
He fell asleep and while he snored, I got up
Put on his computer
I wrote yesterdays blog and drank more vodka
I talked to a good sub friend called Jan, he told me to fuck off after a while because I was being a drunken pain in the ass.
Then I chatted to someone called Ian, I didnt remember who Ian was, where he was from, I didnt remember anything about him,I didnt ask,it didnt matter.
I have a lot of messenger friends, most of them I have met while M and I have been on 'breaks' (in other words, when he has dumped me)

Anyway, Ian, I can't remember most of the conversation. I seem to remember it revolved around him telling me he had the 'horn' repeatedly. He asked me to cam, I don't know if I had done this for him previously because I have no idea who the fuck he is. I didnt have a cam anyway, I was using M's computer. He asked me to text him a picture. I dont have a camera phone but M does.......

I used M's phone to take a picture of my cunt, Ian hadnt asked for a cunt picture but
what the hell. He gave me his phone number and I sent the picture via text message. He got on my nerves then by asking for more pictures so I made my excuses and said goodnight.

I erased the history from M's computer and left the picture on his phone, after erasing the message history of course.I went to bed.

We got up Saturday morning, his phone had run out of battery so he went to charge it. As it was charging I pointed out the picture I had left on it, as if I had taken it for him.

He asked me a few times throughout the day why I had erased the computer history the night before...I said I hadnt, maybe he had done it before he went to bed.

Drunken blogging

2006-04-01T00:38:00.000+01:00

I'm still pissed off, a number of things are pissing me off too.

I'm pissed off with me, for being pissed off
M is pissed off with me, for being pissed off
I'm pissed off with my blog
It was supposed to be the truth

Can it really be the truth if people I know read it?
I started off this journey with 'I advance masked'
The mask is removed if people know who is writing

I think back to blogs in the beginning
Would I write about M that way now?

Well, yes I would....pissed
He's in bed, pissed too, his drinking is driving me insane
He has no control over me when he's drunk
That's what drives me insane

M - You are going to get spanked tonight
Me - I really dont think so, youre drunk
M - I'll do what I want, when I want
Me - Not when youre fucking drunk you won't

See? No fucking control

Maybe it's pre movingintogether nerves
We are both cranky fuckers at the moment

I've spent the night annoying the fuck out of him
Lashing him with my belt ( his belt,I have his dressing gown on)
Twisting his nose

He has made me sit through an hour long programme that I'm sure he didnt want to watch either
And a shit 'man' film
And gone to bed

The cunt needs some respect

2006-03-31T17:55:00.000+01:00

I posted yesterday to take the pressure off a bit. M doesnt appreciate some of the mails I have been getting from men I've never even met (I don't either) there has to be a certain amount of respect there to get away with calling me a cunt, to treat me as I like to be treated. I am a human being you know, and only a part time cunt, I'm also a mom, a work colleague, someones daughter/sister, M's vanilla girlfriend. I suppose it's natural for him to feel like this (as he does have respect for me) I'm his part-time cunt after all, no one else's.

I'm also not submissive to every Twat, Dick and Harry.

I was getting a lot of mails from would be 'punters' and I had to do something , if I do become a whore, it will probably be a one time only experience for me, NOT a career move. I may seem like a tease, but I never said I was going to fuck everyone that reads my blog (so fuck off) and the pressure has been ON me, it just got too much with everything else that's going on in my life at the moment.

The stress is really getting to me today, everyone is upset with me at the moment, so I'm off for the weekend to drink vodka and shoot stuff.

Im super hyper, and I need to calm down.

An update

2006-03-30T20:38:00.000+01:00

I'm still not pierced and I havent been sold.
M is starting to think twice about selling me I think (he mentioned something about wanting to strangle the men that have been trying to buy me) . I think if it happens it will be with someone anonymous and not someone from my blog. Things are too busy at the moment with the move for me to give it much thought.

I took the forceps and needles and stuff to M's at the weekend but again, they stayed in their box :( maybe it will happen this weekend.......

It's been a stressful day
Work was tedious
I've applied for six jobs
My house looks like a rubbish dump, boxes everywhere
Son has been a bloody pain, sometimes I think the only words he knows are "can I have"
M called me about twenty times in the middle of the night last night (drunk out of his mind)
I repayed him with a 7am wake up call this morning
He had been to a lapdancing club with his twattish work mates (they revert to the age of about ten when they go out together) but all he can remember of the club is seeing a black girl.....
I'm mad, Ive been supressing the anger but I'm quietly seething to myself
whinge whinge whinge

I just destressed watching this clip:

from www.wildpornpass.com

The clip is short.... but very sweet :)

Cunt muscles

2006-03-29T14:16:00.000+01:00

Someone mentioned in a mail to me yesterday about prostitutes excercising their cunt muscles. This is something I practice quite often, I like to get a grip on M's cock when it's inside me, squeezing and letting go. Exercising definitely helps.

My good friend Doug once told me about some Bangok whores and the excercises they do, apparently they tighten up their muscles using wine bottles.

They place the bottle on the floor and squat over it, then lift the bottle from the floor using only their muscles, they progress to filling the bottle with sand, until they can eventually lift a bottle full of sand.

My muscles arent that strong yet but I can at least lift a bottle when it's empty.....after some practice (it's a lot harder than you may think)

I think the girl in the last picture may be a little ambitious.

Pics from:
www.bustypassion.com

Orgasm on demand

2006-03-28T08:26:00.000+01:00

This isnt something M had tried with me before last weekend.

I used to have a partner in vanilla land that would demand me to orgasm as he fucked me. He would always fuck me doggy style, standing , with me bent over the edge of the bed. Just as he was about to come he would shout at me " cum, cum now" and I would.... simple eh? He liked the spasms my pussy would make on his cock, and this would trigger his orgasm. He was the first man to make me come.

Sunday morning M decided to try this, although I didnt know it was coming at the time. I had just performed a blowjob. I like to try new techniques on him and this one worked a treat. I placed my mouth over the tip of his cock and sucked for all I was worth, cheeks drawn in, never letting more than the tip inside and keeping the suction the whole time. My mouth was a vacuum on his cock. It didnt take long for him to come.

Shortly afterwards he leant over and started to play with my tits, slapping them. He told me to masturbate while he did it, then he slapped them all over, on the fleshy parts, from above, from below, across them so he just caught the nipples. After a few minutes of this he said " I want you to come right now" this instantly forced an orgasm from me and I shook and trembled next to him.

I've heard tales of subs being taught how to do this on command, without touch. Doms commanding their subs to orgasm walking down the street and so on...Now this I would like to learn.

Tree bondage

2006-03-27T15:58:00.000+01:00

The ultimate in home-made bondage contraptions. Trouble is they take about 10 years (if not longer) to grow.

I want one, as usual.
I'm sure the lady below is thinking what I'm thinking...

From:
pruned.blogspot.com
designboom.com

I'll miss you spanking bench

2006-03-26T16:09:00.000+01:00

It's official,we are finally moving in together!
It's all arranged, we have a lovely new home and we plan to move in a few weeks :)

Unfortunately, this has meant the loss of one of my favourite things. Our beloved spanking bench. The bench that I only have to look at to get wet. It had to be sold, as it's a little bit hard to hide from Son's eyes. We have had to get rid of so much stuff, everything kinky now fits into one lockable chest (It's a pretty big chest, so please don't get too concerned for my sexual wellbeing ;) I'll survive)

On a positive note, we also had to get rid of the Slavemate :)
I hated this fucking thing. Good riddance...It's completely dangerous and if anyone is thinking of getting one, please don't. Every second I have spent in it has been pure torture (not of the good kind) It's impossible to balance in and I've come pretty close to being hanged by the neck until dead in it (maybe a slight exaggeration, but the thing really is bloody evil)

We are now on the hunt for convertible funiture.....will keep you posted.

spanking

Objectification

2006-03-23T19:21:00.000Z

If you havent noticed already, objectification is my thing, the thing that makes me wet over most other things. I love to be turned into something inanimate, whether that be a piece of furniture, meat, art, anything really.

Fornophilia pics:

This is a picture by the artist Mario A. Created by putting rubber bands around the girls arms and legs.
I wanna be a dolly too!

The old meat favourite.

"a woman being prepared as the main course of a feast. First, two female chefs strip the woman naked. They pull her arms back tightly and place her face-down on an oversize platter. They spread her legs wide, exposing her bald pussy, and use thick ropes to bind her ankles and wrists together at her thighs. They pour oil and honey over the woman until she glistens. They thrust a corncob into her vagina, shove a red apple into her mouth, and maneuver the platter into a large fake oven. After a while, the chefs remove the roast from the heat and poke a gigantic meat thermometer into her ass. The needle on the dial points to well-done pork. Dinner is served!" - 'villagevoice.com'

I want to be basted too!

Now there's a sentence you dont hear every day.

Pics from:
www.lensculture.c om
www.villagevoice.com
www.mukiskitchen.com
www.informedconsent.co.uk
paren.belinda.nl

The mystery pimp

2006-03-23T16:29:00.000Z

I recieved a mail last night directing me here

whoreholes

I seem to have ignited someone's imagination.
He also sent me the password to the site, with an e-mail address, all set up for me :)

I laughed my head off reading it, it also made me quite damp between the legs. It brings the whore fantasy just that little bit closer......

The money shot

2006-03-22T16:58:00.000Z

Iv'e noticed a lot of sites lately showing pictures of whores with cash, they are usually handed it, or it's waved in front of their faces.

I love these shots, I doubt it happens in real life whoredom too much . People are embarassed by money arent they ? or they don't really want to think too much about the actual exchange of it. I realise these shots are staged, but still.....there's something so honest about it.

That girl wouldnt be having sex if it werent for the cash, so why not really show her as a whore?
There's something very degrading about it that I like, no pretending, no love involved, she's doing it for the cash.

Pics from:

swing for dollars
www.joes-porn.com
porn200.com

Forceps

2006-03-21T18:03:00.000Z

The forceps and needles have arrived for my piercing.

If at first you don't suceed, try and try again. I'm not going to be trying to do it tonight (it takes a bit of working up to) but if I havent done it by the weekend, M has said he will do it for me. I'm pretty confident I can do it myself though (famous last words ?)

I dont really care if it's me or him that does it, I just want that fucking ring in me, it's more of a test than anything else now........

Sarcasm

2006-03-20T18:57:00.000Z

M was going to give me a new punishment book over the weekend, but forgot.....Over Scrabble last night:

I couldnt resist replying what a shame that was....

I must carry out my punishments by the letter mustnt I?

See how good I am?

Her Master's voice

2006-03-19T15:48:00.000Z

She knew there would be no release for her that night, he had told her once again that her pleasure would be denied.
Yes she would be used , but no, there would be no pleasure in it for her.

He had instructed her to wear nylon tights, without panties and a loose, plain dress. This wasnt something he had ever requested before.
She was to take the key she had been given and enter room 101 of the hotel. Once there
she was to take off her shoes (nothing else) and mount the coffee table in the centre of the room, on her hands and knees. She was to make sure she faced away from the door.

She entered the room and did as she was instructed, she was certain she was to be punished.

"There will be no pleasure for you"

She heard a key in the lock of the door. She turned, it wasnt him. She jumped from the table in shock.
"Get back into position, like you were told"
She looked at him, scared, who was he, who did he think he was to come in the room and order her around. She told him "no".
He took a phone from his pocket and dialed , before passing it to her. It was her Master's voice at the end of the line.

"Do as you are told, this is a very good friend of mine and I have lent him you for an hour or two. Now, be a good girl and do as you are told. He has an unusual fetish that you will satisfy for him this evening. I will wait on the phone until you are back into position, do it now"

She looked at the man and climbed back onto the table, facing away from him, her feet and lower legs sticking out over the edge. She passed the phone back to him.

He left the room , talking in low tones, she couldnt quite hear the conversation between them. She didnt look in his direction when he came back. It was her master coming back into the room (this is what she told herself)

He moved a chair behind her and sat. He just sat there, she could feel his eyes burning into her.
He leant forwards, running his hands up her thighs, lifting the dress over her bottom . She braced herself for the punishment, tensing her legs and bottom. He must have sensed her fear "I'm not going to hurt you, don't worry. Just do as you are told. All I want is for you to stay still, just stay very still for me ok?"

She croaked out "yes"

His hands moved back to her thighs, pressing them together, then the same with her lower legs and ankles. "stay like that"

She tensed again, this time concentrating on keeping her legs together, ankle bones touching each other.

"That's it, good girl" He sat back down, she heard him unzip. And then nothing again, he just sat watching. She thought that maybe that's all he wanted, he just wanted to look at someone in this position. She was wrong.
He leant forwards again, this time touching her feet, he pressed them together hard, poking a finger in the newly created hole. "perfect" He squashed them together tighter and pushed the tip of his cock into the hole.

He started to fuck her feet, pinching the sides of her soles to guide her feet . Slow fucking, thrusting his hips upwards .This didnt seem to satisfy him, as his hands pushed her bottom down "put your hands on the floor" She moved her hands to the floor, only her middle section now lay across the table. He lifted up her lower legs and crossed them slightly. Holding them tight, he stood and pushed his cock between her legs, just above her ankles. He could now thrust with more power, he gripped her ankles tight and with some force, rocked her legs back and forth on his cock.

He used her body without a single thought for her pleasure, it was only his pleasure that mattered. Little did he know this only made her fever stronger, she could feel herself moisten beneath the nylon. She wanted to grind her cunt into the table.

He continued like this until he sprayed his white cum all over her black nylon covered legs and bottom.

pics courtesy of www.pornobeauty.com

The Ballerina

2006-03-18T11:46:00.000Z

The twisted ballerina
Who can contort her body into strange sexual shapes
For your pleasure

A controlled ballerina
With built in bondage
There's no need to tie her body into the position you like
It's already been trained to form and hold those positions, without the aid of rope

Long periods of painful stretching
The ballet mistress would force those positions from her

She remembers how she learned to do the splits

The mistress had asked her students to assume the splits position
And then walking behind them, she pushed their shoulders down, until their sexes were flat on the cold floor. They would shriek with the pain of their bones bending.

The positions were forced from them

The mistress would tie one leg up at the barre, forcing them to stand on one pointe for lengthy periods. A row of ballerinas in bondage. "this will help you"
She could stand on pointe for hours now, strapped into her special slippers

"Ballet technique is arbitrary and very difficult. It never becomes easy--it becomes possible. The effort involved in making a dancer's body is so long and relentless, in many instances painful, the effort to maintain the technique so grueling that unless a certain satisfaction is derived from the disciplining and the punishing, the pace could not be maintained." Agnes de Mille"

"The ballet is a purely female thing; it is a woman, a garden of beautiful flowers, and man is the gardener." George Balanchine

Pics courtesy of:
http://www.nude-ballet.com
http://www.smothering-sex.com
http://www.ambersamateurhardcore.com
http://www.nude-contortionist.com
http://gallery.cl-studio.com
http://www.jlist.com

Tags ballerina, bondage, contortion

Meat

2006-03-17T19:07:00.000Z

Needs a hook

Meat, needs to be hung for a while

If you want to get the best from it

Pics from
Carnal art , Extreme restraints and The stockroom

The h0le Sale

2006-03-16T14:27:00.000Z

The progress of the sale

There are a number of offers.

£50.00 has been offered for a whole day of my submission, it was then lowered to £30.00, because I give a crap service

That's the only real amount of money thats been offered so far, the others have been too polite to bring the subject up properly.......if they have tried to bring it up, I've sent them to M.

I'm not selling myself:

What they want so far, that I know of:

To watch me on webcam torturing/playing with myself

To roleplay with me on cam

To watch me get beaten live on cam

To watch me get a face fuck live on cam

To have sex with me/use of me, real time

For an hour

For a few hours

For a whole day and night

I'm a piece of meat

How not to pierce yourself

2006-03-15T19:46:00.000Z

Have I pierced myself?
Yes
Could I get the ring through afterwards?
No

The tools (note the lack of forceps)

Fucking hell
I don't know how many times I tried (It was a lot)
You could probably strain tea through my right labia

First attempt - Sitting on a towel on the sofa with a mirror between my legs. I was going to do this fast. I pushed the needle in with a piece of cork pressed at the inside of my labia. I chickened out, it hurt and I wasn't close enough to the mirror to see properly.

A glob of blood formed where the needle had been, in fact quite a lot of blood. It ran in a trickle into my cunt hole and then out over the other hole. The needle hadn't gone all the way through.

I actually spent some time spreading the blood over my cunt then, painting it ( I don't know why I did this, but it seemed appropriate at the time ) My gloves and cunt were covered in blood. I mopped it up until it stopped.

I wasnt giving up that easily

Second or third attempt - I changed gloves , got on the floor, sitting closer to the mirror.
My lips were getting all fleshy with the fingering
I've always thought of my labia as small, I remember describing them in this blog as 'small' and 'thin' ..Ha.. They werent thin. They had transformed, they were great monstrous huge things,with layers and layers of skin to pierce through. Big fleshy, slippery, impossible to hold things.

I got the cork and stretched my lip around it, positioned the needle again. I pushed slowly. I felt every layer of skin break as the needle pushed through, I could almost hear it . It wasnt that painful really, stingy, like being pinched hard. Momentary pain at least.
It was through
I pulled the needle out, there were globs of blood at either side of my labia.

Ok, the ring. The blood was running again, making it too slippy to hold onto my lip, I kept wiping the blood away, but when I did this, I couldnt see the hole. I tried to push it through the blood glob instead. It was impossible. I needed to grow another arm and quick.

I didnt mess about playing with the blood this time, I said goodbye to the slippy gloves .I kept trying to push it through, It wasnt going. The blood stopped coming and the hole disappeared. It just fucking vanished. I firked around more with the ring, stabbing it into my labia in a random way. I gave up ......

Hmm, the right labia was now swollen and sore, am I giving up?
No fucking way

Onto the left

Fourth attempt - I read some BME stuff first.....I needed forceps, I didnt have any. How I thought I was going to do it without forceps I dont know ( it seems quite idiotic in hindsight). My needles were also shit, I had the right size (14 gauge) but they were just needle tips, there was nothing to grip on to.

I now thought I would make myself some forceps (twat that I am) I ended up with 2 clamps on my labia , with rope attached, tied at the leg of my coffee table. This was dumb to say the least. I couldn't keep still or get into a good enough position to see what the fuck I was doing. I will say no more about this episode.

I still didnt stop

I pierced myself fully another 2 times and spent a lot longer trying to push the fucking fucker ring through. My arms gave up.

The aftermath

I've just bought better needles and a pair of forceps.
I will do this!

Does anyone know of any alternatives to rings , for the labia?
I hate those fucking rings

Soap on a rope

2006-03-14T15:00:00.000Z

I'm a "moaning little cow" he says
I know
He says I'll be punished when he feels like it, in the manner he wishes
I know

It still doesnt stop me thinking about it, or wishing for it, or even moaning for it

I've been inventing punishments for myself

Having my mouth washed out with soap
My mouth cunt
I definitely have a dirty mouth dont I? I deserve it

I was often threatened with this as a child, empty threats. It never happened.
I'm craving it...
I want all those promised childhood punishments, I want them in a twisted way.

I should be made to gargle soap solution before he uses my mouth
A slut mouth should be properly clean....shouldnt it?

Maybe I should just be made to hold it in my mouth for a period of time
It could be shaped like a ball

Or something else
Puppy sluts need punishing too

Maybe he should sit me in the corner with this tied in my mouth

Makes the gag all the more interesting, don't you think? (excuse the pun)

Rule breaking and nasty fucking

2006-03-12T19:54:00.000Z

I picked the last of the scabs from my nipples yesterday morning, little wine red scabs lying in the milk ducts, they were baby soft once they had shed their skin, he watched, and tortured them lightly straight after I finished.

The punishments that were arranged havent been given (I didnt see the scabs as punishment, as I enjoyed it, I came whilst he scabbed them.) I was looking forward to the speech restriction but that hasnt happened ,maybe because I was looking forward to it?
I feel like there's no control over me when this happens. He lets me break the rules

He's told me to start another punishment book so the punishments arent forgotten, the trouble is they will amount up, so that the number of punishments outweigh the amount of time he has to carry them out.
I feel they will never be given.
I dont necessarily mean punished physically, I just need to feel control, I need to feel it every day.
He will have me begging to be punished soon......maybe that's what he wants.

p.s

I found this site on spanking blog and had to share it

www.sexandsubmission.com

There's about 4 pages of preview pictures (I'm too ~~mean~~ poor to pay) that are glorious.

I love that site. Why?

Because it has fucking in it, I love being fucked. I love being fucked in that fashion

Most BDSM sites seem to avoid actual fucking and concentrate on whipping or the cane, spanking ect. I have to imagine the girls in their bondage positions being fucked because they are rarely shown getting their holes filled with cock.

It's a refreshing change to see girls get nastily fucked. The perfect ending to a BDSM session .I don't know why it's avoided so much on other sites.

Back from Brussels

2006-03-12T16:00:00.000Z

Well I'm back, after a nightmare 13 hour journey (yes, from Brussels to the UK!) we missed a connection and ended up flying all over Belgium trying to get back.

My boss has tried to get me drunk on several occassions but he's been the one spilling his guts and going to bed at the end of the night with wobbly legs. My tongue got a bit loose, but not too loose, if you know what I mean. He also tried to get me naked in the sauna (they try don't they?) He settled with perving at middle aged Belgians instead.

I read Iceberg Slims 'Pimp' while I was away. It was one of M's Valentine gifts. It's quite a dark tale, I don't think it was written to titillate but my cunt didnt realise this, it still got twitchy at parts.

It's a true life account of Iceberg's life as a pimp beginning in 1920's America. It's pretty violent, he breaks the jaws of his whores, beats them with wire coat hangers. Now I really don't want to ever have my jaw broken or get beaten with wire and I would never consent to that treatment, but still, I could not stop my cunt leaking.

This is always happening to me.......I remember reading something about Clitoridectomy as a child and getting turned on by it, it still makes me wet, I can't supress it (no, I dont want my clit cut off, or cut at all!)

I also fantasise about being an abused black slave in the American south, or a Chinese foot bound Geisha .

I know it's wrong, but my cunt just isnt politically correct.

The hole in the wall

2006-03-07T18:50:00.000Z

Playing with the Toy

She is situated just past the entrance , large doors behind her
Her head is placed through a hole in a wall, locked into place with a collar, she is blindfolded and her mouth is filled with a cock shaped gag, she is instantly dribbling.

Her arms are bound behind her back, then legs seperated by a thin metal bar locked at her ankles. The head hole is too low for her to stand straight, she is bent forwards, butt sticking out.

There is a small table at her side, with an empty pot, a dirty rag and a cane on it, a stool is nearby

A poster is next to the hole, on the wall

People enter through the large doors, some pausing at the hole

"An entree"
"This will do for starters"

They use the slut
The stool is placed underneath her, lifting her buttocks for fucking
The are underneath her, pulling at her breasts
Tugging at her unprotected clit
They hang things from her rings, adorn her with weights

They sit on the stool sometimes while they probe and torture
many of them, over and over again
No one speaks to her
They speak about her

"it will fit, shove it in"

"stretch her open"

"Another mark right there please" a womans voice

She feels a sharpened fingernail pressing into her buttock, and then the lash of a cane replacing it

"A crisscrossed arse is a pleasure to use, lets warm it up properly"
Her arse is patterned to their liking

The cane stings her opened cunt and butthole making them sore
They fuck the sore holes regardless

"It's a wet cunt"
"Too wet"

Some of them dry the cunt with the rag before they take their turn

Loose change is thrown in the pot

The early guests make their way around the club as the last guests arrive

There is another poster at the other side of the wall, placed just at the side of her head.

She feels the gag being removed............

.......................................................................................................

I really should be packing.

The Town Bike

2006-03-07T16:14:00.000Z

I'm 15
We had moved house.....again
Another new life, the past erased

I only go out with black men now, cos it's cool ok

A long string of black boyfriends who never got past the tit fumbling stage, all from the wrong side of town ,they seemed to enjoy a girl who wouldnt give it up, and I wouldnt...I was now a born again virgin. Absolutely untouchable.I told everyone I was a real virgin .

I knew the power I had over the boyfriends, my friends would tell me I played a dangerous game, being so aloof "those dirty looks will get you into trouble" They never got me into trouble, all they got me was begging boyfriends ,exactly what I didnt want, but I needed a boyfriend (for social status) I still wasnt ready to come out of the closet in terms of my sexuality.

I went to new clubs, the kind where all the males were black and all the females white (a little sprinkling of the opposite)

I was introduced to 'blues' these were usually just normal houses on a council estate somewhere, the kind of place you have to know someone to get in. These places were so black, you couldnt see a thing inside, heart pumping with bass, feeling your way around.

I never saw any trouble at a blues, they were usually really laid back places, full of pot smokers, very protected places, I always felt and was safe. It was too dark for anyone to cause trouble.

I saw trouble elsewhere though
I used to hang around with a large group of girls, one of whom was the town bike.

There would be a queue for her after a regularly frequented club shut, in some squalid ramshackle building opposite, they would circle her, take turns to fuck her. We would hang around waiting to take her home with us.....sometimes for hours.

We were in a pub once, a group of us and she was dragged off by two men, they held her up against a wall in the pub, threatening her. I followed to try and help her. A drink was thrown straight in my face, the glass held up to my cheekbone .I was told if I spoke again I would get the glass smashed into my cheek (I'd seen girls glassed..... I knew when to shut up)

I saw her attacked by a group of girls outside a club, dragged around on the floor, they pulled great chunks of hair from her scalp, stripped her naked(one of the most barbaric things I've ever seen) This was because they knew of her reputation and she had looked at one of their boyfriends. She had it all apart from a stoning to death at the end, no-one helped her.

She disappeared shortly after that , got locked in a flat and was gang raped for the weekend........ I believe she is happily married now with 2.5 kids and all that.

My legs were kept firmly shut for a good couple of years. This was not a good enviroment for a slut.

ps.
I won't be making any new entries in the blog for a few days, a business trip to Brussels is coming up .
I'm to be pierced and erm.. sold when I come back apparently. I'm not sure in which order, or to what extreme.

Brussels is a nice place to live I hear.......

Dancing sluts

2006-03-06T15:53:00.000Z

M - There's something I should have told you
Me - What?
M - I went to a lapdancing club a couple of weeks ago
Me - Oh
M - I should have told you
Me - Well you have now, I don't mind (It's not my place to mind)
Me - Was it good
M - It was ok
Me - (hmmm)What did she do
M - I had two of them, I had to stop them and tell them what to do, they started off badly
Me - One wasnt enough for you huh?
M - No
Me - Did they have nice bodies, were they pretty?
M - Yes, they were nice

I really dont mind, I view it more as a waste of money than anything else, I'd want to have an orgasm included in the price at least (mind you then they would be taking his cum....I need that)
In fact, it's a damn good thing they don't dish out orgasms, they can be my fluffers instead.

Me - Did you get hard?

He changed the subject
I'm really curious about lapdancing clubs as it's not the usual haunt for a girl like me, he's tried to get me to go a few times but I've shit myself thinking he will 'do something' to me while we are there. I don't want to be degraded there, I think it would be too much for me, to begin with at least........he must know that because he hasnt tried to force it (much)

M - I do want you to come with with me, we could try something.... nah its a bit 9 and a 1/2 weeks
Me -Try what? (I quite liked 9 and a 1/2 weeks)
M - Well we could get dressed up like the bollocks, both in pin stripe suits, get a couple of nice cigars (he loves me with a big fat cigar in my mouth) and get a girl each.

Mmmm , I don't care if its a bit 9 and a 1/2 weeks
I want a dancing slut

Picking scabs

2006-03-05T17:35:00.000Z

I woke this morning to his thumb and forefinger twisting my nipple, I rolled over so I was lying flat next to him, half covered with sheets.

His other hand went to my other nipple, pinching it..... I moved my hand to try and cover them
"move your hand"
I didnt move it, the pinching got harder,
I yelped and moved my hand to grip the edge of the bed

He rarely ties me during pain, sometimes he asks

"do you need to be tied for this?"
I always reply "no"
I like the idea that I willingly accept the pain, he doesnt need to tie me for it

I squirmed on the bed, my hand sneaked under the sheets to my clit, hoping he wouldnt notice, then I watched my breasts being pulled up by the nipples, watched them become triangular in shape, he held them like that, exquisite pain.

My legs got rigid, pussy jutting out, slick with fresh juice
He started to pinch each one in turn, pulling them up high and letting go, over and over again, my hand went to his to pull them off.

"move your hands" the pain became more intense again

I moved both of my hands

He threw the covers off me "you can put that one back"
I moved my hand back to my clit and he repeated the pinching
I buried my face in his shoulder, ~~little~~ big yelps escaping from me
Rubbing on my clit furiously as he watched

I was turned on my side, hands on my butt, raising it to the correct height for him.
Then hands holding my hips steady

"no lube for you today"

he pushed into my arse holding me tight, first by the hips and then both his hands pressing into my skull, rocking me on his cock.

"A receptacle for sperm, that's all you are"

I submitted to the fucking, no grinding , no fucking him back........I was just a receptacle for sperm, controlled by him.

Hands back to my hips, pulling me close into him, cumming deep in my ass.

"you are such a nice fuck"

He held me until he grew limp and slipped out

Cum has dribbled from every hole this weekend , and the cunt is still full with it, I never wash straight away after sex, there's something so impersonal about that.....I like to keep the cum inside me for a while. savour it.

A cunt full of cum and the sorest nipples, I've been unable to wear a bra today because of the soreness, the nipples have scabs forming on them (not for the first time)
I look forward to picking them off.

Tie me up

2006-03-04T08:32:00.000Z

I just love vintage BDSM, it reaches the parts modern porn doesnt quite get to.
My favourite bondage positions illustrated by vintage sluts:

Tie me up

Ti e me down

Roll me over and do it again

Photos courtesy of
cuffs.com
pleasureparade.com

Hard Bitch

2006-03-02T17:37:00.000Z

I got talking to a dominatrix online a while back and introduced her to M, the next thing I know I'm sitting in front of my webcam taking instructions from her ,whilst filming the episode for M, as proof that I was obedient.

Women figure in my fantasies quite a lot (but not real life.....so far) and I can be both dominant and submissive in those scenarios although the scene is usually (if not always) set by a dominant male, so I'm being directed as a dominant, which I guess still makes me submissive .

Anyway..the domme, her name was Hard Bitch :) she was in her late thirties,I had been shown a photo.... big, blonde and butch, a stereotype lesbian. I didnt find her particularly attractive, but when did that matter?

The people in my fantasies...

The men:

If they are given the honour of having a face at all they are usually ugly or old or both.I purposely make them this way, it heightens my arousal fantasising that really anyone could have use of the holes . Should a slut care who uses her?

Or I fantasise about real experiences I've had with real men, usually M, I replay them in my head, sometimes adding a few touches.

The women:

Again if they have faces.... I fantasise in stereotypes here, so if I'm the sub then they are either gorgeously evil looking (a bit gothic) or they are big ugly fearless butch dykes....preferably the big dyke.....with a skinhead please.... they scare me to death , in a gushing wet way.
Conventional beauty really is over-rated don't you think?

If I'm the dominant then they are usually little delicate things for me to corrupt, I do the things I like/want done to me to them, again they don't have to be beautiful, they just need an air of vulnerability about them.

Ok, back to Hard bitch, the time had been arranged before hand. I had to wear 'proper' white knickers and have a candle ready..nothing else. I didnt like her as a person much and as I said I didnt find her particularly attractive either but I was still wet with anticipation. M hadnt given me any choice anyway, I was told I had to do it.

We met on yahell and I turned the cam on, I think I had it pointed to the panties, she asked me to move the cam to my face which I did and then to open my mouth wide and stick my tongue out, I did this and was told to hold that pose for quite a while (I liked this, I do this when I masturbate sometimes)

Then the direction turned to my cunt, I was to sit open legged and show her my cunt holding the panty gusset to one side, keeping the pose again ( I liked this too)

Then came the candle....panties off , I was asked to drip wax on my cunt for her, starting with the mound. I let some drip on, holding the candle high to cool the wax before it landed, it was spotted all over after a short while, next I had to drip it on my labia, this was quite stingy but not too painful, the pain deadens as more is dripped, wax isnt a favourite of mine though..

1. It trashes your underwear
2. It's just messy in general, and not in a good way
2. I just dont find it particularly stimulating, in any sense

It did look quite pretty on my cunt though
I was told you drip another few drips on my clit, which I did , getting it off centre on purpose.
And that was it.

I'm pretty sure Hard Bitch wasnt a woman............I think she was probably some ugly old guy ;) I mean the mouth pose and the white knickers? hmmmm

My cunt dripped anyway.

Forced lactation

2006-03-02T15:05:00.000Z

I'm not quite sure why I like it but I do.

You can force milk to come without being pregnant( if you didnt know) I havent tried it as M is not keen on the idea (to say the least) but I want to...

I've researched it anyway ..
20 minutes of pumping with a breast pump, five times a day, and it can take a few weeks to make the milk come.

There's something really basic about it that I love

Fantasies I have revolving around it :

1.I'm in a barn reduced to a milking cow, pumps pumping the tits while I'm on all fours on a bed of straw, being arse fucked .

2.Cups attached to my breasts with pipes going from them to my mouth, having to drink my own milk , being fucked missionary so he watches.

3.Using the milk as lubricant (a cheap slut should come up with money saving ideas, don't you think?)

4.Having to have the milk drawn off everyday, like a farm animal.

5.Medical fantasies, with the Evil Doctor pumping my tits dry.

6.Just being suckled from

7.Being milked like in the picture below..yum

I love this picture from Titmilker
What he gonna do with that milk I wonder......I have the next picture sequence set out in my mind, it's where he brings the pipette up to her mouth and she sips from it.

There's no convincing M , he ignores my little kink and claims I am trying to boss him around ~~the spoilsport~~

I'm as wet as can be writing this, I guess it's more of a big kink than a little one....

Self piercing

2006-03-01T14:35:00.000Z

The needles bought back from M's at the weekend

Me - Shall I pierce them myself?

M - If you want to

Me - Do you think I will?

M - No

I havent taken them out of the box yet so maybe that's true, but I'm seriously thinking about it.....
How hard can it be? I don't think I'd pierce my own nipples but the inner labia, how hard can it be to pierce that little bit of stretchy skin.

I've been messing with the lips, pulling them, they get so thin theyre almost transparent. There isnt a great deal of feeling in the actual stretchy bits, the nice feelings seem to come at the edges. If I have a slow wank I sometimes start by lightly rubbing just the edges of the lips, teasing myself, they swell up quite a lot, get all fleshy.

I suppose that means the blood supply there is good, I've read a couple of experiences from self piercers to say that there is some blood. Now....some blood? the accounts have varied from 'almost no blood' to 'copious amounts or blood' what exactly does that mean, I mean I don't mind a little bit of blood but I don't want to be left sitting in pints of the stuff.

And how do I get the ring through afterwards...

And where exactly should I postition it?

I'm beginning to see why he doesnt want to do it :)

But then...surely I couldnt do as bad a job as this supposedly professional piercer

You can't have sex for 6 weeks afterwards , was the professional advice on that last link........
well that's one thing I dont have to worry about

More research.....BMEzine.com .....

Delia Day where are you

2006-02-28T14:51:00.000Z

I told M about a woman called Delia Day yesterday, an anonymous person left a message on his fucktoy's blog warning her of the perils of slavery, mentioning Delia as a 'bad case'.

The slut detective went off to research.

Delia was supposedly a real life sex slave and artist who wrote a popular blog, the 'everything is wonderful with BDSM' kind of blog ( I have no evidence of this as I can't find much writing or pics from her blog unless I pay and the link to her blog doesnt work anymore)

From what I can gather:

She wrote the blog telling all about her BDSM lifestyle, accompanied by pictures, and then shot her Master to death with a gun at 2am on December the 2nd 2003.
She got away with it, citing self defense (apparently) and then disappeared from the face of the earth.

No-one knows why she did it but gathering up all of the information I can (and there's not much out there) this is what I've come up with so far..

Some of the theories:

She had snapped , had been broken by him and had to fight for her survival ..very dramatic (the most popular theory it seems). It's been said he wrote entries in her blog and so the happiness created there wasnt true.....
It could be a big scam. ..There really isnt any information on the web apart from one obituary and a few blogs (that I can find). She happens to have the pseudonyms of actresses such as Susan Anton and Delia Day so it makes it hard to search. Surely something like this would atract more attention?
It was an accident, maybe play related ? .... it was 2am. She made up the self defense excuse to get off, as she was advised that the accident claim wouldnt stand.

I'm intrigued to the extreme, I know I shouldnt be, someone has died (or may have died) and I've been reading his blog like it's entertainment, a murder mystery........ I've been making jokes too, threatening to kill M in the same fashion and 'get away with it'

Please let me know if you have any further info on them....

Thanks to
Hedgeblog
Seat of the revolution

The tower of pain

2006-02-27T19:24:00.000Z

The unused tower
It reminds me of a set of scales, maybe the scales of justice would be a better name for it

M put it on me Saturday night with unbound breasts while I lay on my back, he made me stand up.
I stood up...very bloody slowly
I told him they were going to ping off and one did..... he said

M - You really should get the nipples pierced
Hmm, I thinkI may never get them pierced

I bound them today and I can stand up with it on, as you can see,

They did ping off eventually but not for a while
It's self supporting by the black stand in between my breasts, the plastic bar moves up and down the inner column by turning the knob at the end.
I love them
I don't love them long time though

I need to be fucked with it on
I was begging him to fuck me Saturday while it was on
I recall begging to have all the holes filled while he stretched out my nipples
(they didnt get filled)

This is the moment just before it pinged off today. I put it straight back on and masturbated, telling myself I had to keep it on until I came.
I came pretty damn quickly, the pain then turned from delicious to unbearable..I took them off straight away.

Taking clamps off...ouch, another story for another day

Fucked up

2006-02-26T17:57:00.000Z

Admittedly I have been fucked up at times in my life

They fuck you up, your mom and dad
So do your friends
So do strangers
Sometimes you fuck yourself up
Life fucks you up. Full stop.

I'm not going to sugar coat it and pretend everything was wonderful in my childhood, it would be a lie.
Parts were wonderful, parts were not.
No hatred lingers with me
I don't hate myself as an adult
I actually quite like myself now, believe it or not
There are significant instances that may have shaped some aspects of my personality but I can't even remember most of the early years.
Ce la Vie

I have told you about the bad incidents that I remember from my childhood because
I think they may have led to shame being associated with sex and because of control issues.

I needed control
I didnt get it
Or I got it in the wrong way
So now I crave control
In the right way for me...with love
I don't live up to my potential without it.
I cannot reach orgasm without an element of control, I have only reached orgasm with 2 men in my whole life. One was a psychotic son of a bitch (control in the wrong way) and the other is M , who of course is mainly sane ;)

I used to be really angry at the idea that I'm here because I'm damaged in some way .
The secretary really really pissed me off with the self harm theme.

I was not here, in this place because of harm
Definitely not
It was a lie

Maybe it's not a lie
Maybe it's the truth, or part of the truth

I think I might have been a different type of submissive without those incidents but I'm pretty sure I would have been submissive all the same. The thoughts were there before any of the incidents I have written about.
Formed at early childhood, or born with it? I'm not sure . I tend to veer towards nurture rather than nature but I believe nature also plays a part........sometimes it feels so primal, like it's deep inside me.

Going off on a tangent for a min...I remember an incident with a friend's son in my hallway, he was around 4 years old, messing in the hallway while we were having coffee , we went to look what he was up to. He was on his hands and knees with his nose in my shoes, sniffing away.
His mom told him off, giving a reaction of disgust as she did so. I'm not saying that's a bad reaction to it, I'm not sure how I would have handled it, but I can't help wonder if he is going to grow up into a foot fetishist.
If he does, will he even remember the incident in the hallway?
Was he already one, as he was sniffing and obviously enjoying it?
Will the incident lead to shame being associated with it?

Anyway, not every abused person becomes a submissive
And not every submissive has been abused , or abused to any great degree.
There are many many people with far more painful truths than mine
who grow up without my sexuality

I have these feelings
They don't hurt anyone
They dont hurt me
They help me
They bring me the order that I need

The submission is perfection
I am thankful for it
It's home ,where I feel safe, protected, loved

It matters not why
It just is
Psychoanalyising myself, helps me understand it more (I think)
but isnt going to make it go away
I dont even want it to go away
It's part of me

I have to deal with it
I want to deal with it
I do

Sexy post coming up, I'm sick of all this serious stuff.
I 'm going to be introducing you to the Tower of Pain ;)
Yummy yum yum

My first BDSM experience part 3

2006-02-25T11:19:00.000Z

Part 1
Part 2

M - Get on the bed

I climbed on
I knew what position to get into
I got in it

Head down , ass up, legs spread
I looked around
His cock was glinting at me
He had a silver cock ring on (they have a magical power, I didnt know about then)
I've never been fucked so hard and long

He was in my arse
Head being pushed down
Hair being pulled up
Spread open with his hands
Arse gaping for him
Hands on my lower back changing my body shape, pushing my arse out
Moulding me
I was making sounds, sounds from some other place
A primal place
The fucking was relentless
My body was on fire
I felt something flooding from me
I was squirting for the first ever time in my life

It shocked me
I had a reaction to try to move away
He held me tight, It seemed to spur him on
He fucked me through the squirting
Fucked me to the most intense orgasm I'd ever had
I was soaking
We were soaked

He stopped
Told me to stay still
Then nothing
Then fingers stroking my arsehole
Softly
Gently
It felt so good, sooo nice
I was completely relaxed, putty in his hands.
I didnt realise what he was doing at the time (he was going to try and dry fuck my arse)
My hole was puckering up, becoming tight again
Reacting to his touch

He pushed inside me again,without warning
There was a flash of pain
I was outta there......
Hugging the headboard

I should have mentioned in my limits
'My dry, puckered up arse is unfuckable'

You live and learn...
And it can be a dangerous sex to learn

We slept
We woke
I scuttled around cleaning up
A cleaning frenzy
I was concerned about the bed I had squirted all over
It wasnt a little bit of fluid
It was major leakage
He wrote in the guestbook as we left
'I've never seen a girl so wet'

btw.
My dry, puckered up arse is now just about fuckable

I masturbate over that ending ass fuck from time to time
Even though it was extreme pain and I backed out of it.

New porn

2006-02-23T19:29:00.000Z

I spotted it last weekend, new dvd's hidden away
Me - Can I take some porn home with me please?
M - Yes OK
M - You can take it and watch it but you arent allowed to wank

I have lovely new porn and I'm allowed to watch but not wank

What's the fucking point of watching then?

I've broken this rule ~~two three four~~ five times this week
I not only broke the rule, I smashed it to smithereens
The porn was irresistible
I couldnt control myself

Asphyxiation is shit by the way

First BDSM experience part 2

2006-02-23T14:06:00.000Z

I scuttled past him

Sat (next to the wine)
I was cowering slightly
I've never really felt comfortable on show
Still....my discomfort aroused me

I tried to sit up proudly
Conscious of my movements
I wasnt weak, I didnt want him to see me as that

M - Uncross your legs, your legs should never be crossed in my presence, like this

I uncrossed them, tried to relax
I asked if I could have a drink
He said no

He had promised not to give me too much pain, apart from tit pain
I don't think I would have gone through with it if he hadnt promised
The scene was pretty much set out before hand
What he was going to do
What he wasn't going to do
All of my limits were discussed and he promised that they would be respected

I had had to toughen up my nipples beforehand
With pegs
And clamps
And open up my arse, preparing it for him, with plugs
He would give me exercises, wearing them for varying time limits each day, running up to the event

M - You must do this

He would check everyday to see if I had carried out the exercises

M - You better be doing this for real, you must do it, or you will be really really hurt when I get my hands on you

I did them
I assured him I did them

He told me to go into the dungeon which was on the same floor
The place has the slippiest floors
Whoever designed it wasnt thinking of women in 5 inch heels
I was skidding all over the place

First stop was a spanking bench
Black leather
With 2 spread out leg parts

He cuffed me and attached me to the bench
Face down, legs spread

Behind the bench are rows and rows of punishment instruments
Hanging on the wall
Canes
Whips
Paddles
Everything you can think of

M - I'm going to let you pick, which one do you want?

Things don't change do they :)

I had no idea which one to choose
The thing I wanted to try the most was hand spanking
I didnt really visualise instruments in my fantasies then
His hand wasnt hanging on the wall though

I knew I wasnt picking a whip or a cane (I still have the whip phobia)
I think I had a conversation with him about which hurts the least (sub, moi?)
I knew he was a serious sadist
I wasnt sure how much of a masochist I was, I knew I was one but to what degree?....I'm still not sure
I can't remember what was picked
I was blinfolded
Gagged
Tied
He stood behind me
I don't think I've ever felt so exposed
He ran a single finger along my cunt, tweaking the clit at the end
I was wet, I could feel it
Then I felt something being pushed into my arse
A plug, all the way, in one push
It took my breath
Hurt

M - You took that easily enough

I didn't
My arse clamped on the plug
I stopped fighting it and relaxed
It felt good, after a while

Then the beating started
I can't remember much about this , apart from it was mild and my escape
His hand went to my clit during the beating (fear)
I thought he was going to clamp it

I spat the gag out
Ripped my hands from the cuffs
I knew I could free myself
He told me recently he tied me loosely so that I would know I could escape if I needed (I love that)

Anyway, I did escape
We stopped and had a breather
Then things just naturally progressed

I was hoisted up by my wrists, unable to escape this time
He used a pulley until I was on tip-toes
My pony tail was attached too, high up
He spun me round
Over and over
Looking at me from every angle
Stopping occassionally to touch
He held me with my bottom facing him
Pulled my head back to kiss me, while he fucked the butt plug in and out
A long forceful kiss, I had no choice in it

Wax was dripped on my tits
And then they were clamped with clovers

He left the room
I hate these clamps
I was frozen
Concentrating
Still

I don't know long I was left there
Time wasnt running normally
I was deep in a space
Inside a fantasy
my fantasy
I was a thing
A toy
Sometimes it felt like I was an onlooker, rather than a participant
It was completely surreal
Detached from my usual reality

He came back
Set me free
I was told to stand facing the fireplace
Spreader bars were attached between my legs
I lost my balance
He moved me forwards so my top half was leant against the fireplace
A variety of toys were shoved in and out of me
like they were being tried for size
I was tormented
Holes burning

I was set free, chains were attached from
ankle to ankle
Wrist to wrist

M - Get yourself upstairs

I hobbled upstairs
Slipping and sliding
(Watch those stairs if you ever go, they are deadly)
The stairs were lined with masks
pretty venetian ball masks

I passed the fucking machine
I wanted to stop
I really wanted that machine
I wanted that machine to fuck me senseless
I didnt get it

He followed me up
Guided me to the bedroom
I was like a robot
He stood me ready to sit on a chair
The chair had a huge dildo sticking out of the seat
I was impaled

I sat pinned to the seat while he rearranged the room
The chaise was moved
A free standing mirror was placed in the centre of the room
Then I was off the seat
Dragged to the centre of the room by my hair
Dragged around until I found the position he wanted
I was on my knees back facing the mirror

He came to stand in front of me
I turned to look at myself
I loved what I saw
I wanted to watch myself
I was jealous of his view

I was turned back around, hand gripping my hair
He shoved my face against his groin
Rubbing it over his bulging jeans
He took his dick out
Held it close to my face for me to look at
I looked

M - I'm sorry I stink, I havent had chance to shower since this morning

This made me drip
I wanted his stinking cock

M - What are you?
Me - Your slut
Me - Your filthy whore
Me - Your dirty cunt

His maleness was strong
filled my senses
I sucked him
I don't know if I was any good
Probably not, but it was a long blow-job
In fact it was probably a long, bad blow-job
The worst kind?
I was enthusiastic at least

Er, I think I'll stop there....

Speech restriction

2006-02-22T22:56:00.000Z

Well the punishment for calling him a grumpy pig has been decided
By me....kind of

I tried to get away with lines
I actually like doing lines, it keeps my mind focused
But this is what I ended up with, over scrabble:

Me - I'll self pierce my labia?
M - The needles are here and that's not a punishment
Me - er, I'm not sure it would be a pleasure
Me - I won't speak for an hour when I see you next?

Have I set myself up here to fail whatever happens?
If I speak, I fail
If I don't answer him, I'm dumb and insolent

I've been thinking about these kinds of punishments a lot lately

No speaking
No eye contact
I was thinking it would be quite easy
And sexy
Sexy control

I'm not so sure it's going to be easy now, I have a big mouth
He going to tease me to try and get me talking
I might gag myself with something to stop any urges

My butt is so sick of that tawse

Reputation

2006-02-22T08:25:00.000Z

I got home
I had a new reputation to deal with
I was 'that girl'
I'm not sure anyone actually said that to me
But that was the way I felt
The whole world might as well have known about my drunken exploits
About the uninhibited me

My parents were wealthy throughout my childhood
I was really quite spoilt
My father was from a very poor background
I think he wanted us to have the things he didnt
We didnt appreciate it
We were horrible brats

If money wasnt given, it was stolen
I was rich
I used to steal from one of my sisters rather than my parents
Although I did steal from them too
The sister had a lifted floorboard in her bedroom constantly stuffed with a supply of £20 notes, that she had stolen from our parents.

So I had money
Freedom
And a reputation
A reputation I'm not sure I really earned, but there all the same.

What's a kid to do?

I had sex
If you can call it sex that is.
12 or 13, not sure
He was 15

I'm pretty sure that I had already broken my own hymen
But It was the first contact between my sex and another persons
It was in the house of a friend ,who's mother was a middle aged delinquent
We were alone for the weekend, we had a party
And we both lost our virginities in the twin beds in her room
A few feet away from each other
There was no pleasure in it
Idiot fumbling under the covers
I pretended it hurt so he would get off me

I abstained from fumbling pretty much after that, with the exception of a few petting sessions ( a girl has to make sure)
They were all the same
I knew there was more to it
I knew more than most of the boys
They couldnt give me what I needed
(I didnt think I would ever find what I needed then)
So there was no point

I could give them what they needed
But I really didnt want to
I didnt find them worthy of me (egotastic)
Masturbating was more fun
A lot more fun

I got more
drunk
drugged
I never went to school
I went to the pub instead
Or home
I went to pubs and clubs regularly at the age of 13
I looked older than my age, as girls can
But I'm sure I didnt look old enough to go into clubs

We couldnt get into them all
But perseverance pays off
Try enough and someone will let you in and someone will serve you alcohol

I sold my soul in a pub at 13
To an old man who came to speak to us
He wrote our names in his little 'book of souls' for a drink each
I sold my soul for half a lager
I did make him cross it out of his book though and watched him do it carefully..
After I had finished my drink.

Pooh sticks

2006-02-21T07:41:00.000Z

I was staying at Grandma's
I had been sent there for the summer
Because I was bad
She wouldnt let me bathe
" You don't need to bathe every single day"
"It's a waste of water"
I hadnt taken enough clothes to last my stay
Granny really really didnt like to waste water
So I had an underwear shortage too
I had to wear dirty underwear
I felt dirty

I had my pretty red skirt on
"You look so lovely in that red skirt, with your chestnut hair"
"Not many people can wear their hair that way you know, only those with a perfect face"

She was nice my granny :) but she should of let me bloody wash properly

We were walking along the canal side
Me and a group of boys
I think they were all boys
I felt outnumbered

We stopped at the bridge
Played pooh sticks for a while
Messed about

Then the mood changed
Why play pooh sticks with actual sticks
When you can use a real life person

I was dangled over the bridge
Head first
I couldnt do anything to stop it
Hands on my ankles
2 boys to each ankle
Legs splayed out
Dirty underwear on display

I can't remember feeling scared I was going to fall and die
Maybe a little
My biggest concern
Was that I had dirty underwear on
The shame
My skirt was falling around my face

I twisted
Hands trying to cover my underwear
Fighting gravity
Pushing my skirt down
Between my legs
I think I'd have prefered to fall
They had quite a job holding onto me

But they didnt drop me

Two smiles

2006-02-20T18:28:00.000Z

Two smiles

A picture says a thousand words.....

The link is to an Eros blog post that I love.
I don't know why's she's smiling (not for definite) but I know why I smile like that.
I think this captures the true essence of

how it feels
how pure it is
the euphoria
the perfection

Time out

2006-02-19T16:17:00.000Z

Taking a break from my childhood for today
It's depressing me

M has been reading about it but hasnt said much.
In bed last night:

M - Did you really have your stomach pumped?
Me - Yeah
M - Fucking hell
M - I didnt know that
Me - There's a lot you don't know about me Mr M
M - Wild child
Me - I only had 2 shots, I can't remember anything else
M- 2 half pint shots?

We laughed
We slept, cuddled up
Spooning all night
No naughties
I would have been willing of course
But I was content(for once)with just cuddling
It was lovely

I'm in trouble again though
For muttering things under my breath at him, like:
"You old grouch"
"Grumpy pig"
(He had a psychotic moment in Tesco's because they didn't have the trolley he wanted. Supermarket rage. I'm sure he's going to love that I shared this insight with you.)

Anyway, I can't seem to help calling him names
It's like a form of Tourettes
It was the watered down version yesterday because Son was with us
Otherwise it's:

"Wankstain"
"Old bastard"
"Fuckface"

I say it really quickly, quietly
Looking at him to check his reaction, smirking
He shakes his head smiling, a knowing look in his eyes
I'm sure he likes it.....

M - What did you call me earlier?
Me - Erm nothing
M - Yes you did
M - What was it?
Me - Nope, I'm sure I didnt call you anything
M - Yes you did, tell me
Me - I think I might have called you a grumpy pig (giggling)
M - Yes, I thought so
M - You will be sorry for that

A mental note was made.

Experimenting with alcohol

2006-02-18T10:33:00.000Z

It was the summer holidays
I think I was 12 or 13
We were alone all day
Parents working
Me, a friend and an older sister

We were at my house
With a cabinet full of alcohol
My parents didnt really drink
They just stocked it
For visitors
An array of pretty coloured bottles
Not for kids, of course

I drank some gin
no-one else did
It was strong
Evil tasting

I drank some more, regardless
And then I have no memory

My friends had memories
My siblings had memories
My parents too
In fact, the whole of our street had memories

"You cried"
"You fucked yourself"
"Outside in the street"
"Outside in the street naked"
"You asked why you werent pretty like your friend"
"Screamed it"
"Crying"
"A mess"
"Sexual"
"An embarassment"
"You were out of control"
"We couldnt control you"
"You were unconcious"
"We thought you were going to die"
"You drank nearly the whole bottle"
"We took you to the hospital"
"The hospital"
"Stomach pumped"
"They had to fight you"

I woke up
I was in bed with my mom
In my parents room
My throat was sore
Really really sore

I tip-toed down stairs
Drank an abnormal amount of orange squash
Then moved back upstairs
I was exhausted
Confused
Sick
I started puking at the bottom of the stairs
and continued puking all the way into the bathroom
I stopped at my moms side
Puke at my feet

She woke
I slept

I was sent away
I wanted to go.

Blood in the bathroom

2006-02-18T10:24:00.000Z

I was 11
There was blood in the bathroom
In the toilet
Where I had just been
I was bleeding

I knew what it was
I'd been given a book
By my mother
more diagrams

The book was given
Not a word said
It was just passed
From one hand to another
She looked embarrassed

I had spoken to friends
Huddled together in secret
I was waiting for it
I didnt tell anyone
It was something to be ashamed of

I hid the blood

Wrapped up toilet paper
Made a pad
And lodged it in my pants

It was a bad week

I stayed over at a friends
I hid the blood from her too
It was my secret
My bag was stolen by a boy on the way to school
Rummaged through
And passed around
So everyone could see how disgusting I was

A used home-made pad
Tucked away in my bag
For later disposal

I can't remember the name they called me
It rang in my ears for so long
I erased it

My friend said:
"Why didnt you tell me"
"Why didnt you flush it"
She looked devasted for me, that made it worse somehow.
I had no explanation then.

I was ashamed
ashamed of this totally natural occurence that deserves no shame attached to it.
I had to hide it.

I hid it for months
Then one morning
I plucked up some courage
I went to my mother
She was in bed
I knelt at her side
And woke her

Me - I've started
Mom - Started what
Me - You know...Started

She cried

The Fields

2006-02-17T11:10:00.000Z

I loved being in the fields
Great open fields
Running through them
Picking flowers
Searching for 4 leaf clovers
Collecting insects
Thinking
Sitting in the middle of an enormous field
Surrounded by other fields
Alone
Really alone
Free

That's the feeling that remains with me the most
From my childhood
Freedom
Followed closely by guilt
There werent many rules for me
Enforced ones anyway
I learnt mainly by consequence

I was chased in the fields
And caught
Pushed down
Pinned to the ground
Hidden
Wrists pinned above me by strong hands
Heavy weight on top of me
Knees forcing my legs apart
Mouth pressing down on mine
Dry humping
Both still fully dressed
Then stillness

"Don't tell anyone"

I didnt
He didnt do it again
I didnt sit in the fields alone again.

Sunday School

2006-02-16T16:34:00.000Z

I was 8 years old
This is my earliest memory, I remember nothing before this age
I stayed out late
Me and a friend
Later than we should
It was getting dark

We were by the Sunday school Chapel
Playing
Playing like children

There was a graveyard opposite the chapel
We walked through
I don't know why
We just did

There was a group of boys there
Aged older than us
Around 13 or 14
Sitting in a circle
In the middle of the graveyard
I remember fire

We walked closer
They stopped us in our tracks

I was held
Arms behind my back
I started to cry
I wanted to be let go
They lifted my skirt up
Pulled down my underwear
and held me

Held me there to look at
Like an experiment
They studied me
They laughed at me
They let go

I ran home, it was dark
I was in trouble
I knew it
I got sent straight to bed
My mom came in to tell me off

I told her what had happened
Blurted it out

She slapped me across the face
And left the room

My parents were pornographers

2006-02-15T12:58:00.000Z

I saw things a child is not supposed to see
Many things
Not in real life
But in
Movies
Magazines
Books
They were hidden away
Hoards of them
Not for children

I stole them
Stole them and sneaked them into my room
Secretly read
Secretly watched
Secretly masturbated
There were so many
No-one ever noticed
I put them back before they went
A new batch would soon appear

The pornography catered to a wide taste

BDSM
ANAL
GAY
ANIMALS
HARDCORE
SOFTCORE
LESBIAN
FETISHES

Not your average bedtime story

I saw everything
I imagined what I read
I knew what made me wet between the legs
And what didnt

I had a different kind of sex education
To the one at school
With the vaginal diagrams
And pictures of sperm
And giggling
The biology of it all

Childhood
Part 1

Marking his territory

2006-02-14T13:43:00.000Z

When we first met my limits were vast , watersports being one of them
There was no way I was being pissed on
Absolutely no way I was drinking it
It disgusted me

3 years on

Me - I want to try watersports
M - No you don't
Me - Yes I do
Me - I really do

He wasnt having any of it

M - You want to do it to please me, not because you want to do it
Me - Maybe, all I know is I want to try

It went on like this for months
I was begging for his piss

I was actually visualising being pissed on rather than drinking it
Given a choice, I will always go for the easier option to start
It didnt quite work out that way

The same conversation went on about 3 months ago, we were sitting on his sofa drinking wine.

Me - I want to try
M - You don't
Me - I fucking do
Me - I really really really want to

I really did
I wanted him to mark his territory
I wanted to be his territory
I wanted that feeling of submission

M - OK then ( he said it as if it were a threat)

He stood up facing me ,unzipped his jeans and took his cock out
He looked at me as if he was thinking I was about to back out at any second
I watched
He came and stood at my side

M - Finish your wine
I gulped it and set the glass back on the table
He moved forwards and placed his cock at the edge of the glass

He was going to make me drink it, I might have known I would be learning to swim in the deep end.

Me - Can I mix it with a bit of wine?
M - No, you fucking can't
M - If you are going to do it, you are going to do it properly

He stood there for ages
He couldnt piss (I remember being ~~amused~~ upset at this)
I lifted the glass up to his cock
I didnt want it to spill everywhere
And I wanted him to see that I wanted it
I held the glass up defiantly ,watching his cock
It started to come and continued until the goblet was full

I could feel the warmth on my hand from the glass
I looked at it
He sat back down beside me, looking at it too
I sipped it
Just one little sip
I could feel his stare, he didnt take his eyes off me

It didnt taste bad
It tasted warm
Diluted
Almost like water, only a little thicker perhaps
With a slight sweetness
But not evil tasting in the slightest

I described the taste to him while I sipped it
I tried not to think about it being piss
If I thought about it, bright yellow morning piss came to mind
and the thought made me gag

We sat, side by side on the sofa, him with his wine and me with my piss
I think a joke was made at one stage, about it being pure whiskey

M - I want you to finish it all now

I drank harder
It was getting cold
It tasted better warm
I wanted to taste it from the source rather than an inanimate glass
But that wasnt to be
I drank until the glass was drained and the piss was cold

M - Undress and go and fetch a towel , sit on it over there

I fetched a towel and placed it on the floor in his living room
Hair loose, falling and hiding my breasts

I knelt, legs folded neatly under me
I noticed a freshly filled pint glass of piss on the coffee table

He picked up the piss and came towards me

M - My piss slut eh
Me - Yes, your piss slut

He poured some on me, on my hair
I felt it trickle down my face
I didnt wipe it away
Then more
And more
Until I was drenched
Hair sodden
Face wet
Body soaking
I was covered

He knelt in front of me and kissed my piss soaked face
And then my pissy mouth
A long tender kiss.

The F word

2006-02-13T15:57:00.000Z

Feminist
Yes that's right
I'm a fucking feminist

Me, who takes is up the arse
Who bends over on a whim for capital punishment
Who gets her face slapped, just because he wants to slap it
Who drinks his piss and wears his marks
Proudly

I do not think every woman is like me

I do not think it's a natural state for every woman to be subservient to every male

It is my state

It is what I choose

My choice as a woman

Isnt that what feminism is about?

Women being able to make their own informed choices

I want that for you just as much as I want that for myself

The courage to choose what you really want, not what society at large tells you is right

I have been called:

Abused
A freak of nature
An abomination
Your granny (great granny, whatever) didnt get the vote for me to act the way I do
Sick
Fucked up

Well my fucking granny voted too
She voted so that I could have freedom of choice
and I won't hide my truth
It would be a farce to live that way

Dont consider me weak
Or pity me
I have no need for your pity and I'm as strong as an ox.

Daylight makes a difference

2006-02-12T17:20:00.000Z

I called him just before I left for his place, I could hear moaning in the background

Me - Are you watching porn
M - Yep

An instant feeling of hatred came over me, aimed towards the porn whores, they were taking my sperm.
My sperm
They were taking it all
There wouldnt be any sperm left for me...
Any expectations I might have had were drained from me.

I got to his and it was decided we should go out for a meal later that evening.

M - So I think you should feel something across your backside before we leave, we have to punish you for losing that camera.
Me - It isn't lost now though, we found it
M - Are you trying to get into more trouble?
M - You'll get gagged too if you keep on being cheeky
Me - But then you won't have my sparkling wit and humour
M - I'd watch it if I were you and I can live without your humour
Me - I didnt mean to lose it, I'm sorry
M - How would you like to be punished?
Me - Will you use what I choose?
M- No, I just want to know what you would choose
Me - Well there's no point telling you if you arent going to take any notice of my choice
M - Well if I were you I would say now, or else you will get the tawse, like last weekend. I'll count to 3....
M - 1..2..
Me - Spanking?

He laughed

Me - Ironing?
M - Hmmm, yes you can do the ironing
M- How else?
Me - Isnt that enough? (I fucking hate ironing and now I'd turned one punishment into two)
M - I think I will choose the tawse
Me - Please not the tawse, the memory of that was still fresh in my mind.
Me - The crop?
M - No, it will be the tawse
M - Go and bend by the chair

I got up and moved towards the chair, there's something about being beaten in the daylight that makes it seem more severe somehow.
I was scared

He pushed my face into the cushion, I felt my skirt being lifted over my arse and then my panties were pulled down to mid thigh.
M - Stay
I tried to stay still, I really did but I couldnt
My arms were flailing out behind me trying to block the blows
My feet were kicking up
He started to hit my hands with the tawse

M - I won't stop
M - If you put your hands in front of your arse, I will hit them too
M - Put your feet up and they will get it
M - I will not stop until your hands and feet are out of the way and you are still.

I knew he meant it and still I couldnt stop moving, my hands were getting it, they were landing everywhere, feet legs, arse and hands, one landed right on my little fingernail.
I moved my hands, grabbing fistfuls of cushion, I tried to concentrate on the lumps of cushion in my hands but still I couldnt stop moving

Me - Please
M - Stop moving then, I'm not going to stop until youre still

I turned slightly and grabbed his leg
I clung on there, arms wrapped around his leg, head pressed against the side of his knee, ass up high, directly in front of him.
I managed to stay still for the rest.......albeit attached to his leg

He stopped
I have the faintest of marks left from it, I dont know why I made such a fuss, I've taken much more. My only explanation is that
Daylight makes a difference.

Working clit

2006-02-11T12:20:00.000Z

Well the weekend plans have changed

Nanny and Grandad want to take Son for the weekend...2 weekends in a row...unheard of.

I have a feeling the weekend is still going to be vanilla though.

I asked him last night:

Me - Am I allowed to masturbate?
M - If you want
Me - Do I have to ask?
M - No
Me - Do I ever have to ask?
M - Not at the moment
Me - What shall we do tomorrow?
M- I dunno, I'm tired

Fuck me

All I need is a few rules
I need those rules, it keeps me straight
I'm addicted to them

I'd like to say I have no expectations for the weekend but I can feel the disappointment welling up in me already.

My marks have almost gone, a few lingering bruises on my breasts, I kind of miss them. I've been bent over, ass facing the mirror many times this week, admiring them.
My clit has been too sore to masturbate after the pony incident but I tried last night, I had read that the pony can damage the nerves in the clit and was getting slightly concerned that had happened.

I only have the rampant rabbit here, because M took all of my toys away last weekend.
So I lay on my bed
Rested the vibrating bit of the rabbit against my clit, ready to rock it against me
But instead of the usual 'super' vibrations I felt hardly anything
I panicked
It took a moment to realise ...the batteries had almost run down

I used my finger instead
A lone finger rubbing away
Nothing inside me
Chanting to myself
'good girl'
'good girl'
'good girl'
The clit is back in good working order.

Have a good weekend all who pass by.

Found

2006-02-10T16:34:00.000Z

I've been trawling through sitemeter just now spying on who's reading me . It's um interesting seeing what search words find me. I bet the 'Irish clover' person didnt get what they were bargaining for:

Edit. Found some more

Vanilla weekend

2006-02-10T16:33:00.000Z

Well another boring week at work over and if that's not enough vanilla to contend with I have a weekend of it coming up too.
Son is with us this weekend and M will rarely play if he's in the same house as us...I have no idea what we are going to do when we are living together

Boarding school?
Lock him in a cupboard?
Never play?

I figure once he's asleep in bed......
With the exceptions of screaming and hogties :)
All can be good

When darkness falls the vanilla should be put back in it's black pod.

For you kuggles (non kinky people) -

Vanilla - Vanilla sex is a term that refers to what a society regards as standard or conventional sexual behaviour. Different cultures, subcultures, and individuals have different ideas about what constitutes vanilla sex. Often it is interpreted as sex that does not involve such elements as BDSM, kink, or fetish activities.

The lost camera

2006-02-09T16:36:00.000Z

I lost the camera that M gave me over the weekend
I searched his place trying to find it

M - Easy come easy go
Me - Please don't say that
Me - I really tried to take care of it
M - Hmm
M - You probably left it in the pub
Me - No, I didnt, I remember taking it out of my bag at your place
Me - It's here somewhere
Me - I really wanted the camera this weekend too
M - Let's go to the pubs now, before we leave
Me - It's not in the pubs, I didnt take it
Me - It will turn up I'm sure
Me - I really hope I havent left it in the pub
M- You probably have, you lose everything
Me - But I really really really hope it's not in the pub
M - Why?
Me - er, there were some pictures on there

I explained I had taken filthy pictures of myself and pictures of my toys and left them on the camera ( I was praying he wasnt going to send me to the pubs to check)
M - Fucking brilliant
Me - I'm sure it's here, it will turn up (frantically searching)

He said I could use his camera until it 'turned up' and that he would go to the pubs on Sunday if it hadnt, to see if I'd left it there. I was suprised he wasnt making me go to the pubs.....suprised and glad.

I got home Sunday and he called from a pub to tell me it wasn't there
Then the next pub..no not there either
and then the last one, he said:

M - What pictures where on that camera
Me - You know.....rude ones
M - Here, you can speak to him

Shit
An Irish guy comes on the phone

Irish guy - Hi
Me - Hiya
Irish guy - ah the camera, can you tell me what pictures where on it?

Fucking hell
I could feel my face burning just speaking to him on the phone

Irish guy - Can you tell me?
Fuck..
I tried to think if there were any unfilthy pics on there but couldn't, then I visualised this one:

Me - er rope
Irish guy - What
Me - rope (nervous giggling)

Rope was the best I could come up with, anything so I didnt have to verbalise buttplug or dildo. He had obviously seen all of the pictures but just saying those words to him would have mortified me even more.
Irish guy - Ok, thats good enough (nice kind lovely Irish guy, letting me off the hook)

M is deciding whether I deserve to get the camera back

Panty gags

2006-02-07T23:31:00.000Z

Panties I have worn

Panties that are damp with my juice

So I can smell my scent

Taste it

Panties that have been rubbed into me

Pushed into my cunt

Pushed into my cunt every day for a week as I masturbate

Then left for days

To dry

And stiffen

Panties that are strong with my scent

Stuffed in my mouth

To suck on

Panties that remind me what I am